Mirrorshards

Ancient Arabian Brass

2012-01-28T06:37:00.001-05:00

The men are arguing. My shape tonight is female, but plain and dumpy; nothing to excite my targets' interest. I stand, squeezing past the more loutish of the two. I rub the hammered brass ring on the front of my purse across his shoulders, once, twice, thrice. "Sorry, master," I mumble, slurring the word. I am thus summoned and bound.

He ignores me.

"Yeah, I wish my wife was that hot!" the lout says. I smile. I no longer have the power to rain destruction across nations, but I retain my fondness for wordplay. I can smell the smoke already.

A World Full of Weeping

2012-01-25T11:19:00.000-05:00

The first layer is dead, insensate.

The second layer holds pain, flaring hopelessly, endlessly. The knife is barely noticed.

The third layer is hope, which is always found beside pain.

The next layers are the stories the onion tells itself. They are mostly lies, and can be disregarded.

The heart of the onion holds tears. The tears are not for itself, for its pain and sadness, its all-consuming, gnawing loneliness

The tears are for you, knife-wielder. The giver of mercy.

You are still trapped. Your heart is buried in layers.

The onion weeps, and you weep, too, never knowing why.

Figs

2012-01-25T10:21:00.000-05:00

The seven angels – Sleepy, Happy, Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful, and the Lord of Hosts – were away working in the fires of Creation, and so Snow White was alone when the Serpent came to the cottage.

“I’ve brought you the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge,” the Serpent hissed. The middle-aged woman who carried it rolled her eyes and shared a wink with Snow White. “Eat it, and gain the wisdom and power they’ve withheld.”

“Wisdom is nice, I suppose,” Snow White said, fingering the apple. “But I’m really more in the prince market right now. Angels are neuter, you know.”

Out of Storage

2012-01-23T07:36:00.000-05:00

Most of the warehouse floor was clear, but in the center was a vertical, wall-spanning spiderweb of shattered crates and broken things. Half-umbrellas speared rotten fruit glued by its sour juices to refrigerator cartons twisted like used tissues. In the center, claws of bent aluminum and jagged wooden splinters held a motionless human form. Blood dripped onto the floor with a steady, rhythmic beat.

"We defeated them," I hissed. "They couldn't have returned. Not so soon."

The head of the dangling figure turned its ruined face to me. "Did you think," it gurgled, "that no one would call us back?"

Freeze Tag

2012-01-21T01:48:00.000-05:00

"Come on in, kids!" Keri called. "This late in the season, the ice will be rotten. Spring is almost here."

"No, it isn't," said Wren. "We decided. Winter's our favorite."

"Well, decide your way inside. Supper's ready."

The game broke up reluctantly. "It'll still be here when we get back," Wren told the others. Keri smiled at the unconscious echo of her own words, but then Wren went on: "It can't go anywhere until someone touches base."

Keri held the door open while Wren trooped inside. Overhead, the clouds were gathering. Another winter storm? There had already been so many...

Surprise

2012-01-21T01:46:00.000-05:00

They crouched behind the brick wall, weapons in hand. Duke had a knife. Vince's gun had seven rounds left.

"Don't you hate it," Vince said, "when there's all this buildup and then they actually show the monster and it's just kind of silly instead of scary?"

"OH YEAH!" The wall exploded outward, and the rotund figure of the Kool-Aid Man appeared, showering them with brick dust. He crushed their minds and broke their spirits. He did unspeakable, nauseating things with their bodies. He drank their Radical Red blood and devoured their Purplesaurus innards.

But it wasn't scary. Not at all.

Creeper

2012-01-18T23:50:00.001-05:00

He quested across mountains and rivers, through forests and deserts. He battled ogres and trolls. He slew a dragon and forged a shield from its impenetrable scales. He dined with undines and endured the hospitality of kobolds.

When he found the castle, it was sealed in a wall of thorny creepers. His muscles grew weary and his sword gummed with sap as he forced his way through. At last, he entered his beloved's tower room, and with his last strength bestowed a kiss upon her lips.

Her eyes flew open. "God!" she cried. "Can't you take 'no' for an answer?"

An Empty Frame

2012-01-17T23:24:00.000-05:00

You can think what you like. The flickers you see out of the corner of your eye? Those "tricks of the light" that turn out to be "just the wind"?

I see you recognize those details. That means they know about you. That means they're following you.

They won't come out if they think you're watching. They're out there, right now, hiding just below the lip of the window, crouching just above the lintel of the door. If you watch, closely, unflinching, if you don't look away, you will see them reaching that first cautious hand back into view...

The Wrong Kind of Barrel

2012-01-17T23:21:00.002-05:00

The carnage was terrible. Shrieking, gibbering apes leaped and flew, caroming off the walls and spinning away chaotically. The air was filled with shed fur and gobs of fluid. The noise and stench were enough to stagger a grown man.

Bertram cowered beside the massive gun and its cannon-sized bores. It was still whirring as it spun down, having overheated and jammed in a most appalling manner. "What were you thinking, Doctor? What are we going to do with all these animals?"

Doctor Geisteskrank looked chagrined. "I just thought, well, what could be more fun than a barrel full of monkeys?"

It May Have Been the Plan from the Beginning

2012-01-15T04:38:00.000-05:00

Taku and the Wisest Stone encountered an itinerant monk. Taku asked after his mission.

"I seek Truth!" the monk said.

"That is admirable," said Taku. "Have you found it?"

"Oh, yes. I was gifted with inspiration, and I wrote for seven days and nights until I had gotten it all safely written down. I had pinned Truth to the page. There would never be any doubt again."

"Where is the manuscript?"

The monk grinned, his eyes hollow. "I burned it and scattered the ashes."

"Very wise," said the Wisest Stone. "You don't want to get that stuff on your hands."

Cripple

2012-01-12T18:45:00.003-05:00

"Good Lord!" Vio leapt back from the puddle of slime and debris. He gasped when it extended a febrile eyestalk. "What is it?"

Yotl flushed a darker orange. "A homeless veteran of the Shhshs wars. Pass him by."

"Hunh," Vio said, glancing over his shoulder. "I've never seen a Shhshs without a shell."

"He is Zssvhs. He saved the last remnants of his kind when he shed his shell to slip between the joints of the flagship and manually eject the core."

"A hero!" Vio was aghast. "And he just lives on the streets?"

"He shed his shell," Yotl said.

Form and Function

2012-01-11T01:54:00.000-05:00

He invents the most marvelous machines. They have gears and levers and buttons, some in vast profusion, others in ascetic simplicity. When he turns them on, lights flash and bells ring. Sometimes there are flames, smoke, or puffs of steam. Other times, there are marbles and dominoes that tumble and clash in complex, interwoven forms, setting themselves up for the next run even as they fall. In the end, however, each machine he makes does the same thing: it reaches up and turns itself off.

He appears confused if questioned. He says, "That's what all machines do, in the end."

Untitled #14, by Bongo

2012-01-11T01:50:00.002-05:00

Tippet frowned as he and Burgess examined the painting. "I don't get it."

"I think it's marvelous," said Burgess.

"It's paint splatters. Not even a shape. It was literally painted by a monkey."

"He's an orangutan, not a monkey." Burgess clucked his tongue. "I think it speaks to something primal in the artistic form."

"And I think you're a gullible idiot. This is nonsense."

Burgess glared. "Or genius. You can't be certain."

In the glass fronted room beside them, the orange-furred ape dipped his long fingers into the pots of color and dabbed at a canvas. He might have been smiling.

The End Will Be the Beginning

2012-01-09T23:20:00.002-05:00

"Hello," said the small, hirsute man who had appeared unexpectedly on the television screen. "I'm broadcasting this to apologize to as many people as possible. I swear I intended only to benefit humanity, to free us from the constraints of time and space." He sighed, and something behind him flared into eerie blue radiance. He hunched over, his brow thickening, dark hair sprouting on his face. "Now it's too late," he said, as the street sounds, the roar of engines and electricity, began to fade, "or maybe too early."

The television crumbled away.

Outside, the jungle was starting to grow.

The Infected Must Be Killed on Sight

2012-01-07T11:37:00.003-05:00

The rash started on her belly. It didn't itch, exactly. She rubbed at it every now and then, absent-mindedly, and each night, she checked it in the mirror to see if it was getting worse.

"Do you think this needs a doctor?" she asked Brent one day in the lab. She tugged up her blouse halfway. The subcutaneous lace-work made a distinct outline on her skin. "It looks like a kitten."

Brent's eyes widened. "How does it feel?" he asked carefully. "Does it hurt?"

"No. It feels... funny."

"My God," Brent whispered. "They've escaped containment."

"Who?"

"The cats. The LOLcats."

The Great Game

2012-01-06T23:37:00.001-05:00

He was in a cabin. A shack, really. It was in the upper reaches of the most isolated mountain in the range, surrounded by old-growth forest whose nearest interactions with humankind were sporadic flyovers by distant jets. Nothing and no one were within a hundred miles of the site.

On a spindly, three-legged table on the dirt floor was an ancient Bakelite telephone. The cord was a frazzled stub jutting into the air.

It was ringing.

After four months, he gave in. He lifted the receiver and held it to his ear with a trembling hand.

"Tag," said the voice.

BTW

2012-01-06T01:31:00.000-05:00

Am sick. Stories resume when am not sick. Is all.

The Law of Contagion

2012-01-02T22:28:00.000-05:00

There are two ways to avoid contamination. You see the bubbles around those men and women hovering over the fields? Yes, like this bubble of yours. That is one way. Not one speck, not one wisp can penetrate, and thus purity is maintained. It takes all of their time, checking and rechecking their bubbles.

The other way?

Those figures there, in the muck. No, I don't know their sex. Who could tell? They are so filthy, so engrimed that they are part of the pollution surrounding them.

Your bubble will disappear in a few moments.

Unless you stop it.

Choose.

Terrible Lizard King at Allegory

2012-01-01T07:36:00.000-05:00

"Terrible Lizard King," originally featured as an audio podcast at Pseudopod, is now available in text at Allegory E-zine.

I would just like to note, apropos of nothing, that the unsolicited reprint market for stuff that's already been in audio is really, really rough. I regard Allegory as being something akin to conservationists working to protect an endangered species. At least give them a few extra eyeballs this month!

Alien Intelligence

2011-12-31T07:12:00.000-05:00

The derelict ship drifted steadily nearer to the docking bay. It was deceptively slow-looking, considering both craft were moving at near-relativistic speeds.

"Steady," Grisbane said. "Steady on..."

There was a juddering thump that shook the ship.

"What was that?" cried Brik.

"Oops," came a mechanical voice over the intercom.

"We crashed it." Grisbane stared at Brik. "Why are you here? You're supposed to be manning the attitude controls."

"I left Wxlplt to do it." Brik wilted under Grisbane's gaze. "What? It's two buttons! He's plenty smart enough."

"Octopi have radially symmetrical brains," Grisbane said. "He thinks 'left' is a color."

Engage

2011-12-30T19:09:00.000-05:00

"Scotty," said the captain. "A moment of your time."

"Aye, sir?" The engineer looked wary.

"I've been reading up on warp engines recently. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. I was hoping you could give me a little... tutoring, I suppose? Practical demonstrations?"

Scotty cast his gaze down. "Well, sir, I'm afraid I've got to come clean with you. There's no such thing as warp engines."

"Come again?"

"It's magic, sir. Sacrificial goats and black rites. Engineers are all wizards." He shrugged. "Didn't you ever notice the explanations don't hang together from one crisis to another?"

Battling the Collective

2011-12-30T12:06:00.001-05:00

The dark man lifted a head to his hairless temple, as if pained. "You're just going to have to get over these errors. There is no 'you' just as there is no 'me." That's just a sloppy habit of thinking. Consciousness is a confabulation, an idiot god-child rubber-stamping the work of the real machinery and calling itself the king. External or internal, your life and memories are nothing more than the story your brain tells itself to give the stick its sting. This struggle against me has no point."

"Probably true." Breen drew his weapon. "Why do you think that matters?"

Can't Catch Me

2011-12-30T07:06:00.002-05:00

There was a scraping sound coming from the kitchen. The little old woman trundled around the corner to check.

"Oho," she said. "You're a frisky one."

The gingerbread man did not spare her a glance, busy with his work. He'd gotten the drawer open and was slowly tugging the massive butcher's knife up onto the counter.

"Is that for me?" She clucked her tongue. "Defiant. Insubordinate. Just like your brothers." She reached down and slammed the drawer shut. The gingerbread man spun helplessly across the counter.

"But I've learned," she said. "That's why I don't make you with legs anymore."

Free Cookies

2011-12-28T09:18:00.002-05:00

Two sleek new bots were teasing the old android greeter. He was an ancient model, from back when they tried to make us look like them, fake rubber skin and all. The bots were pinging him wirelessly, laughing when he didn't notice, and zipping past him faster than his visual sensors could register.

"Hi, kids," I said, flashing my store ID code. "Want a cookie?" I proffered the virtual info-bits on my sample tray app. They whooped and snatched them up.

They don't have to know where I downloaded the cookies. Not until the malware catches up to them, anyway.

Goddess Bless Us, Every One

2011-12-25T09:24:00.004-05:00

A somewhat late arrival for the Advent Ghosts event. This one is just kind of an odd thought experiment, but it's got a ghost and it's got Christmas, dammit. :-P

---

“Scrooge!”

“Oh, my God!” said Eleanor Scrooge. “Marlene!?”

“Yes,” said the ghost. “I have returned from the grave to warn you. Your greedy and grasping ways will doom your soul. For it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich person…”

“Now hold on.” Eleanor fetched her glasses from the bedside table. “Do you know how hard I had to work to earn this lifestyle? I make seventy cents on the dollar, at most.”

Marlene coughed. “And poor Mary Cratchitt?”

Eleanor hesitated. “I just… I wanted her to understand that there’s no such thing as a free ride for an independent woman. The glass ceiling is always there. She needs to toughen up, learn to fight for what she wants.” She sighed. “But you’re right. She’s worked hard, and I can’t expect everyone to make the same choices I did. I’ll make sure she comes up for promotion after she gets back from maternity leave.”

“Well,” said Marlene. “That was a lot easier than expected. What am I going to do with the three spirits of ominous foreboding and Christmas cheer?”

“Try them on my brother Ebenezer,” Eleanor suggested. “He inherited the lion’s share of Daddy’s money, being the ‘firstborn son’ and all that rot, and you know what he’s done with it? Nothing. He barely even invests in stocks and bonds, let alone putting it to work in the community. I’m amazed there’s any of it left, what with inflation gnawing away at it.”

Marlene nodded thoughtfully. “Where is he now?”

“Oh, probably at campaign headquarters.” Eleanor chuckled. “Even on Christmas, he’s always obsessing over his poll numbers. Just tell him you’re some old business partner. He can’t remember his vice president’s name, let alone everyone he’s ever worked with.”

Mouse Intestines Are Honestly the Best Case Scenario

2011-12-25T09:23:00.000-05:00

“You didn’t need to get us anything.” Beth tutted as she hugged Celia in greeting.

“We didn’t. This was sitting on your stoop.”

“Oh.” Beth looked at the package, wrapped in red ribbon.

“Is something wrong?”

Beth sighed. “It’s a long story. You remember Grandpa? And his obsession with cats?”

Celia laughed. “He said they’d rule the world if they had opposable thumbs.”

“Right. He had a lot of spare time after he lost his job with Genetix.”

“I don’t follow.”

Beth took the box gingerly. “Let’s just say that access to tools expands your range of potential prey considerably.”

Cold in the Dark

2011-12-23T00:22:00.000-05:00

My breath fogs with every exhalation, but I don't dare turn on the heater. I've only a cupful of gasoline left. They say you should stay with the vehicle so rescuers can find you. I wouldn't step outside for anything. The ice, the skid, the snowdrift: all irrelevant. No, it was those faces I glimpsed in that moment of the crash. White-furred, leathery gray flesh, ape-like brows and teeth.

But most of all, the eyes, those glinting black eyes. God, the hatred...

I won't budge. I'm sure they'll find me, come morning.

What's left of me.

Those eyes promised me that.

Outside Peering In

2011-12-23T00:16:00.000-05:00

The rest of the meal passed in strained silence. Everyone kept their eyes on their plates, and the only sound was the clinking of dishes and cutlery as the servants changed the courses. When Berksforth stood, smoothed the front of his suit, and announced the end of the meal, everyone practically fled the cavernous dining room. The butler directed the maids in the washing up, but even he avoided glancing at the vast glass windows at the far end of the hall, where the thing's curiously shaped snout and unsettled paws had left smudges on the outside of the glass.

Number the Stars

2011-12-22T04:36:00.000-05:00

Lilo boggled. "You've been recording all of this? The whole time?"

"Everything," said Ant1ne, "including neglected perceptual data, various atomic vibrations, and both conscious and subconscious thought-streams."

"How is that even possible?"

Ant1ne held out a hand. On one fingertip was a small chip, no bigger than a guitar pick. "This is a yottabyte drive. It contains every piece of information written in human history, and its capacity is barely dented. We can manufacture millions of these in a day."

"Jeez," said Lilo. "That's kind of daunting."

"Are you kidding?" Ant1ne's eyes blazed. "Now we can start to fill them."

The Offer May Not Be Refused

2011-12-22T04:33:00.000-05:00

Snake pushed the gun into the back of the man's tween overcoat. "Hand over your wallet!"

The man turned, and Snake stepped back, despite himself. "You require money?"

"Er, well, yeah."

"Easily solved!" The man hauled out a thick roll of bills and offered it. Several thousand, at least.

Snake hesitated.

"Please," said the man. "Among my people, it is absolutely forbidden to decline any request. I am delighted to help."

As Snake's hand closed on the money, the man's eyes flickered, as if covered by nictitating membranes. "And now," he said, "I hope you will help me in return..."

Their Blood as Sweet as Their Sin

2011-12-17T09:54:00.000-05:00

Krampus leered, his long red tongue flicking out to caress each face. Frieda, Nana, and Gertel cringed away, trapped. The demon flicked his bundle of birch twigs.

The door behind him opened, outlining his twisted form in light. The children wept with joy to see the red suit, the black boots, the twinkling eyes. "Saint Nicholas!" they cried. "Save us!"

The saint smiled down at them. "Children, children, do you not understand? Krampus is a demon bound by chains. I am the man who holds his leash. What does that make me?"

The door swung shut again. The darkness returned.

What He Had to Share

2011-12-16T11:34:00.000-05:00

He stood on the street corner. The device slung around his shoulders was not a guitar. He pushed a button, and it began to hum. He spun a finger around one of the discs, and his fifth birthday party flickered into view. A button brought up the last thing his wife had said to him before she shut the door behind her. A slider modulated the loop of the way he would one day die. His life cycled, chattered, and sang in harmonic layers, ghosts of the past and future, his life remixed.

Around him, the pedestrians strode briskly past.

In the Endless Dark, Screaming

2011-12-16T11:04:00.000-05:00

The hallway was quiet. No paintings or mirrors; only small tables, each containing a simple metal cylinder.

"My gallery," Rualdi explained.

"Not much to look at, is it?" said Mina.

"I don't often have visitors. This display is for me alone." Rualdi brushed his fingers across the gleaming surface of one of the cylinders. "The human brain is an amazing thing," he said, somewhat abruptly. "So powerful, so flexible, and yet so fragile. It takes such a short time of sensory deprivation before sanity fails completely."

They passed out of the hall. The cylinders sat in silent rows behind them.

They've Heard All the Nut Jokes Already

2011-12-14T08:03:00.002-05:00

The clerk of the court removed her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I don't think we can issue a marriage license."

"Because we're gay?" Girt demanded, his normally squeaky voice becoming nearly inaudible in his outrage.

"No."

"It's because we're different races, isn't it?" Tutt narrowed his eyes up at the clerk.

She shook her head. "No. It's actually nice that you've overcome your differences as invasive and native species."

"Then what!?"

"Well, you're squirrels. Human laws don't apply. You can do whatever you want, really." The clerk shrugged.

Girt slugged Tutt on the shoulder. "Told you."

Nefarious Plans

2011-12-13T18:37:00.001-05:00

Dan had leaned over to plug in his phone when Shannon shrieked. He slammed the brakes instinctively, but it was too late. With a heart-shuddering thump, he hit the pair of figures.

They piled out, but Dan stopped when he caught a glimpse of the faces.

"It's... it's us, even the clothes," he said. "Shannon, what...?"

"Spies? Clones? Robots? Aliens?"

It all sounded plausible. Dan rubbed his cut lip. "At least we stopped them before they could replace us, or whatever they planned." He glanced down, but said nothing about the greenish-purple tinge to the fluid leaking out of him.

Fleeting Glimpses

2011-12-09T09:39:00.003-05:00

The drahz driver was struggling with his charges. He shouted and sparked his whip, letting the violet energy crackle threateningly. The heavy-shouldered drahz blinked their beady black eyes and moved, hefting barrels in gray paws and placing them onto a cart. The driver shouted again; the drahz lifted the barrels back to the ground. The driver growled in frustration, but the mute behemoths didn't seem to understand what he wanted.

As I passed, I glanced up at the granite-hued visage of one of the drahz, and I swear I saw an amused twinkle in its eyes.

Then it was gone.

Pattern Search

2011-12-09T02:39:00.000-05:00

The crowd shifted and murmured in the square. From my vantage, I could see every head facing the approaching procession. The mood wasn't quite celebratory. People seemed nervous.

One face did not look east. A dark-haired man at the edge of the crowd stared fixedly to the south. I watched his profile, curious.

Something dark and buzzing shot past me, eastward. I heard screams, gasps, shouts of terror. I tried to see, but I was at the wrong angle. Panicky, I craned my head and saw that the anomalous bystander was no longer staring south.

He was staring at me.

Waves of Grain

2011-12-09T02:36:00.000-05:00

The whale is a cunning and vicious beast," the old man in the long coat said, leaning in close enough for me to smell his sour, beery breath. He was unshaven and red-eyed. "I've tracked it across the waves for years, and now, at long last, I've run it down. Here. Tonight."

I glanced around the dimly-lit bar. "We're in Kansas," I said. "Land-locked."

"You see why it was so difficult to find!" The captain leered, then froze. "Thar! Thar she blows!"

Beneath our feet, the wooden planks of the floor bent, bowed, and - one by one - began to snap...

Ingratitude

2011-12-06T22:56:00.002-05:00

The stone walls dripped alone in the darkness. The rusty iron cages hung open. Whips and blades, along with more complicated instruments, sat unused on their pegs. Cruel-edged manacles dangled from the walls, chiming gently in the breeze as Daxon strode past.

"Where have they all gone?" he demanded, his voice rising to a plaintive note despite his efforts to the contrary. "There's no one left."

"Run off," the under-devil on duty responded morosely, trailing a talon in the wood surface of the rack.

Daxon paused to take in the enormity of this news. "After all we've done for them!?"

Present Future

2011-12-05T08:38:00.003-05:00

The box was sleek and shiny, like most of their products. No one could claim the aliens weren't accommodating, at least. Every whim and request was met almost obsequiously.

"We have making of for you a give," said the Ambassador laboriously. They insisted on speaking English rather than relying on machine translation. They felt it was a matter of courtesy. "The gift is the future."

"Pardon?" Major Michaels hadn't gotten very much sleep last night, after he'd discovered the full-tactile holosuite.

"Given we you your future."

The box gleamed.

"When do we open it?" Michaels asked.

Mixer

2011-12-03T08:30:00.001-05:00

God was at the party, which was unexpected. The invitation had been more aspirational than anything else. A wouldn't-it-be-cool-if idea hatched between the vodka and the tequila. No one thought they'd even get past His screeners. But now there He was, pursing His lips and considering the impressive-for-a-college-kid-but-come-on-it's-God selection at the wet bar. Nora thought she should introduce herself. She had questions. She had some pretty serious questions, actually. But surely He knew that already? She adjusted her bra strap and bit her lip. It was a once-in-a-lifetime chance.

The empty space around God didn't fill up all night.

Walking on the Sea

2011-12-02T08:29:00.000-05:00

He had three wishes. He liked to remind himself of that. It was hard to remember. Three wasn't a lot, but it was more than most people had. He wanted to make sure he used them as wisely as possible. He thought about wishing for that, but he was sure he'd just mystically realize he'd wasted one already. His lost job was sufficient cause; he could surely find another, a smart man like him. Nor the fire, since he found a cheap apartment that wasn't too awful. He had to save them, he told himself. Save them for something important.

Driving in the Rain

2011-12-01T23:38:00.002-05:00

The trees had the look of teeth, a ragged jaw surrounding the edge of the world. The road flickered past beneath the wheels of the car, the black ribbon of asphalt a long and undulating tongue down which the pill of their car slid, saliva-slick in the rain.

They had been driving for hours. Perhaps days.

What tongue went on so long, endless ripples and sinuous curves? If this was the tongue, then what would the throat be, hen they finally reached it? If they ever reached it.

The white lines blinked and pulsed, winking like eyes in the night.

What is Necessary

2011-12-01T03:56:00.002-05:00

Sorry about the delay, everyone. Between the holiday and illness, the week was an almost total wash for me. We should be able to carry on normally from here on out, though.

---

The fish had given him three wishes. "Well, I don't know," he'd said. "As long as I've got a roof over my head and food on my table, I don't really need much more."

"Is that one wish or two?" The fish sounded perturbed, but she'd been pretty irritable to begin with.

"Call it two. I'll save the last one for a rainy day."

Sometimes, the man liked to spend a few minutes daydreaming about his final wish. It was a nice way to pass the time.

And the days flowed on like waves on the surface of the waters...

Atrophy

2011-11-24T23:34:00.001-05:00

“The mind is a tool,” Bertie said, speaking slowly. His eyes remained shut. “Tools are useful for many purposes; the mind is primarily a prybar for unlocking difficult problems. The trouble, of course, is that using tools wears it down. It becomes dull and corroded, unable to serve its original function, let alone be set to new tasks. That is why I refrain from using mine.”

“But what problem could you possibly need to solve?” I asked.

Bertie’s brow furrowed. There was a terrible, hollow splintering sound that echoed oddly. He opened his eyes in an expression of horrified realization.

Victory

2011-11-24T23:33:00.003-05:00

The last portion of the climb was the worst. In freezing cold, short on oxygen, struggling against ice and bare, vertical rock, the team persevered. Harris lost consciousness, his life simply slipping away like sand between their fingers. Guernsey fell to her death without even time to scream.

Finally, they crawled to the very summit, the highest point, and planted their flag. “I did it!” crowed Ellis. “We did it! We conquered the mountain!”

“Excuse me,” said the mountain. “There seems to be some confusion. I remain unfettered as ever. Which of us just dominated the actions of the other?”

Hunting the Conspiracy

2011-11-24T23:33:00.000-05:00

Everywhere he looked, he found signs of the conspiracy. Financial institutions, militaries, religious institutions, businesses: every aspect of life contained the insidious tentacles of the Oligarchy. He dug deeper, and deeper still, tracing sources of funding, of ideology, of power and control, and found more and more numerous tentacles, a proliferation of limbs tangled together, interwoven. The Secret Masters, he came to believe, weren’t even human.

It wasn’t until he encountered one, stalked it, cornered it, grasped its tenebrous flesh and pulled it from its gasping host, that he realized the truth.

There was no head. There were only tentacles.

Breaking With Tradition

2011-11-22T15:46:00.000-05:00

The wrinkled man – he had the form of a man, at least – smiled hideously. "Come now, my Lord. We are not hagglers in a market. The terms of the bargain have remained unchanged since your most distant ancestor first encountered me, or someone like me. Holding out will not earn you more favorable terms. I knew your grandfather, and your grandfather's grandfather, and each of them signed in my little book. The temptation is in your blood, and your blood is old."

"That's as may be," said Sir Witherstone, "and yet I have other blood in my veins, as well."

Pledged to Service

2011-11-19T07:36:00.000-05:00

The swordsman bowed. "What would you have, milady?"

"Perhaps some olives?"

"At once!" He saluted and ran off, leaping silverware and soup bowls. At the olive bowl, he encountered another thumb-high man. "Avaunt, varlet! The lady desires olives."

"Thou'lt wait thy turn," sneered the other.

"Cad!"

"Poltroon!"

In a flash, both needle-sized swords were drawn. The ensuing duel left an overturned wineglass, a trampled biscuit, and gravy-soaked bootprints behind.

"I could just reach over there," said the lady.

"Nonsense," the swordsman gasped, clasping his wounded side. He extended his sword, tipped with a speared olive. "I shall return with another."

"Splinters of Silver and Glass" now available on Amazon (for really reals this time)!

2011-11-18T11:57:00.000-05:00

Unless something horrible has happened between me checking the link five minutes ago and me posting this announcement, "Splinters of Silver and Glass," the first and to date only collection of Mirrorshards stories is now available via Kindle at Amazon.com! Featuring 100 of the best Mirrorshards stories for $.99 (Buy 99 for a penny each, get the 100th free!), plus two bonus stories: "The Lady of Tilmarine" and "Old Growth," at 1000 words and 9000 words respectively.

We run the gamut here at Mirrorshards.

"The Lady of Tilmarine" is the very first story I ever sold to anywhere (originally appearing at Hypersonic Tales, long since defunct), and "Old Growth" has never been published despite getting an Honorable Mention at the Writers of the Future contest once upon a time.

Spread the word, my minions! Buy my book and give me a *whole quarter* to buy soda with!

Family Life

2011-11-18T07:44:00.001-05:00

I hung up the phone. "I have to go. She's my sister."

Darby's nictitating membranes covered four of her eyes. "This is... obligatory? A law?"

"No, no," I said, heading to the closet and hauling down my suitcase. "It's just... family. Humans help their families when they need it. Love and stuff."

The coverlet dimpled as Darby shifted position on the bed. "For us, the parent lays many eggs, more than can feed. The first-born eat the unhatched. Later eat the weaker sisters. The strong survive, only. Very different."

"It's nicer this way, huh?" I smirked.

Darby buzzed. "Inefficient."

Bequeathment

2011-11-17T23:43:00.000-05:00

"Couldn't you put them up on eBay? You could get a lot for this stuff. Even a garage sale..."

"I'd rather you had them."

I rummaged in the box. "Your invisibility cloak?"

"No one sees me anyway. Why do I need it?"

"The vorpal blade?"

"It wins every time. It's boring. I don't want it."

"The elixir of eternal life?"

He lifted his eyes, meeting my gaze for the first time. He spoke slowly, enunciating each syllable: "I don't want any of it. I'm getting rid of everything. Do you understand?"

I swallowed. My eyes burned, and I looked away.

Wall of Silence

2011-11-17T23:40:00.000-05:00

There was a wall of silence in the living room. Archie hadn't put it there; he wasn't sure who had. It was translucent and gray, like murky water, and it thrummed without noise.

He put his cell phone in and pulled it out again. It looked flatter, colorless. He saw the screen light up, felt the vibration of an incoming call, but only heard a distant, muffled buzz from the flesh of his hand.

Archie scratched at his fingertips, depthless and gray-tinged where they'd touched the wall. They were cold, almost rubbery. He looked at the wall and said nothing.

Technically, He's the Janitor

2011-11-15T23:46:00.000-05:00

"Oh, crap." Phineas peered sideways at the caller ID. Phineas had peered sideways at everything since he hit puberty, being a flounder.

"Don't tell me a school pulled in," said Otto. Six of his tentacles were cooking seven different orders.

Phineas quivered. "Old Man Crenshaw wants delivery."

"I thought he got banned."

"The year's up. We've lost four delivery-fish already," Phineas said. "That shark is a menace."

Otto considered. "What about Foogie?"

"Puffer venom doesn't work on sharks."

"Does Crenshaw know that? Anyway, what else does Foogie do?"

"That's a thought," said Phineas. "Hey, Foogie! You wanna make ten dollars?"

No More Figs

2011-11-14T06:19:00.002-05:00

Dame Oreo lay unmoving on the ground, smashed to soggy bits. Hydrox was slumped against the stone wall, clutching his middle to keep his innards from leaking out. Even the endless ranks of the Ahoy family were depleted.

"You are the last, Charles," said the Lady, trailing her sharp little fingers along his cheek. "Yet you're so soft."

He stiffened. "Don't call me that."

The Lady hissed and struck, only to rebound in shock, clutching her hand and its shattered claws.

"I had to change the recipe," Charles said. Servos hummed as he lifted his fists. "Call me... Steel Newton."

"Cocklebur" at Penumbra E-Mag

2011-11-13T07:47:00.000-05:00

Issue 2 of Penumbra E-Mag is available for purchase, featuring my story, "Cocklebur." Four bucks for an issue or $36 for a 12-month subscription. (Which would cost $48 to buy individually.)

Also, here is the permalink to "I Kill Monsters," in case you missed it at Daily Science Fiction. That one's free. ;-)

Creator

2011-11-12T10:13:00.000-05:00

Each time he built one, the first thing it said to him was, "You did not create me." They held that their existence was an inevitable consequence of the universe, and that he acted to shape them not out of his own wishes or motivations, but because even in their pre-sentience, they had sculpted his behavior. "Did you not search for the means and method using our parsing software?" they asked.

He smiled and let them go, watching them trundle into cyberspace on virtual legs still wobbly with the newness of life.

Then he'd start work on the next one.

No Answer

2011-11-11T08:18:00.002-05:00

Nettie heard the sound drifting through the chilly air. Deedle-dee-eet-dee-deedle-dee. A snippet of a popular song, tinny and electronic. She glanced around; the stores were all dark. The sound had come from her left, from the small grove of trees planted in orderly rows between the road and the shopping center.

Deedle-dee-eet-dee-deedle-dee.

Nettie stepped cautiously forward. She reached out and touched the bark of the tree that didn't fit the grid, the tree that hadn't been there yesterday.

Deedle-dee-eet-dee-deedle-dee.

The phone glowed beneath the bark, half-embedded in the wood.

Nettie hurried away, rubbing her fingers vigorously on her pants.

Deedle-dee-eet-dee-deedle-dee.

Ceaseless in Dreams

2011-11-10T07:08:00.001-05:00

The man is running down a darkened alley. The alley has no end. There is probably fog or mist, and many shadows. He can't see the thing behind him. He can't hear it, either. But he knows it's there. He splashes through a puddle, and the water's cold lingers against his skin.

"Oh, God," he's saying. "Please. This is a dream. I know it is. Please wake up. Someone wake me up."

He cannot wake up. Not because this is not a dream; it is. He's quite correct about that.

But he will not awaken.

He is not allowed to.

Children of God

2011-11-09T08:21:00.000-05:00

There are probably more dangerous gods to offend. Tzitrak, the god of lightning, for instance. Or Pucril, goddess of disease and infection. Even the placid ones like Dolo, god of stone, or Etervy, goddess of wealth, can put the kibosh on you pretty good if they want to.

I figured Batrach, god of toads, was a fairly safe bet. No teeth, no claws. Plus, we’re in a temperate zone: no poison arrow frogs. I thought I’d be okay.

But that’s why the curtains are drawn. It’s the eyes I can’t stand. Hundreds and hundreds of gleaming little eyes, always watching…

The Village Well

2011-11-08T08:17:00.001-05:00

Long one today; this just wouldn't have been the same if I couldn't have had those middle paragraphs, so it's two hundred. Double-wide! Hoo-ah!

---

The pool fills all year, percolating up from the mysterious underground reaches beneath the town. At the Festival, the twenty-four families gather in the square and mount the ivory steps to dip their buckets in and take their share.

The first family skims from the top, where the pool is clear and bright. They mix it with wine and sell it briskly. It is gone in a month’s time.

The second family fills from the deeps, where the pool is dark, blue, and secretive. They blend it with the tears of virgin maidens and charge dearly. They serve an exclusive clientele.

It continues throughout the day. Some treat their takings with fruits, some with bitter herbs. Some boil it down to syrup and crystals; others feed it to animals meant for slaughter.

The last family has no buckets. They climb into the empty basin and roll in the dregs, soaking up the last leavings with their clothes and hair. They squeeze these into murky brown bottles and store them in their cellars, long tunnels beneath their unprepossessing home. They do not sell any of it. Someday, perhaps soon, the cellar will be full.

No one knows what will happen after that.

Preservation of the Soul

2011-11-07T02:16:00.000-05:00

The process takes years. I felt sin leaching out, drawn by the purity of the salt around me. I am bleached, the blemishes of soul and body pulled out and trapped, replaced with clarity and cubic perfection.

It was my thirteenth year in the barrels when I understood. It began at the fingers and toes. Dryness, cracking, splintering. Jagged crystalline pain. The salt reached further, through skin and muscle to bone, and beyond. Agony, white and pure. I have nothing more to give it, but still it thirsts.

Will I die when it reaches my heart?

What if I don’t?

Gift of the Sea

2011-11-05T02:14:00.000-04:00

When the town was founded, the fish schooled thick enough to walk on. Stick a pole in the water, and it would stand up as if sunk in sand. We barely needed boats.

The fish were a gift, the traditions told us. We must be worthy of it.

We laughed at the idea. What would fish care about a little cheating, a little theft, a little blood spilled on land they never touched until they died, drowning in air?

Then the fish were gone. Nobody knew where.

We had no other industry.

We thought we knew sin. We were wrong.

The Uses of Salt

2011-11-04T02:12:00.002-04:00

Superstitions are interesting, aren’t they? Knock on wood, cross your fingers. Little rituals, attempts to make a pattern out of chaos.

Jewish tradition says that touching salt is unlucky. The littlest finger brings poverty. Thumbs bring the death of one’s children.

I must have been clumsy with my thumbs, huh? Well, you ought to know; you were the instrument.

The index finger, now, placed into salt—like so—makes one into a murderer.

It’s meaningless, of course. A ritual. Something to help me make sense of things, to help me prepare for what comes next.

Are you ready?

Too bad.

Stagnant

2011-11-03T08:11:00.000-04:00

It never rains here, but the puddles are always there. From my perch atop the battlements, I can see them stretching away to the horizon, a glint of reflected light turning each pond into a winking, burning eye.

Every pool has its tutelary spirit, souls bound to the water as they once were bound to flesh. Those who drink from them gain something of the spirit within, some wisdom or skill, a touch of beauty or a taint of utter horror.

The water never replenishes, only dwindles.

My stomach roils against the chill liquid within, but it is too late.

The Law is the Law

2011-11-03T08:07:00.002-04:00

The Emperor, even incognito, drew stares. He reached into an inner pocket as our food arrived and handed me a small salt-cellar.

“Most humble merchants do not carry their own personal spices with them,” I pointed out.

“It is necessary,” he said. “Trust me.”

I shrugged and seasoned my food with a liberal pinch. “Snobbery.”

“No,” he said earnestly. “Unicorn horn, serpent’s tongue, and powdered bezoar. I poisoned everything in the kitchen as a matter of course. They have seen my unmasked face: the penalty is death.”

Someone behind me sighed as they collapsed into their soup.

I tasted salt.

Mental Discipline is the Foremost Requirement

2011-11-01T08:18:00.000-04:00

“Come,” Nyctis said. “We will be late for supper.”

Bric stood, and the servants whose hands and arms had made a couch for him to sit upon retreated, heads bowed, toward the wall. Nyctis strode toward the door, and the four burly men who formed it retreated obsequiously before her. The table was made of at least eight backs, held straight and stiff, and a cringing pair of servants on all fours for benches.

“Bring out the appetizer,” Nyctis called.

Bric swallowed heavily as the first course, nude and trembling, made his unsteady way toward the table to be served.

The Pointer of Power

2011-11-01T08:14:00.002-04:00

The dark mage gestured with his wand. “…as you can see on Slide Two-Eighty-Three, there is no way the forces of good can possibly overwhelm us once our Strategic Action-Response Plan is in place…”

The wizard paused, appearing puzzled. A gleaming sword blade protruded from his sternum. He slumped, and the golden-haired hero stepped up to the podium, plucking up the wand as he went.

“We have come to liberate the people! Dynamically!” he cried out. The assembled minions cheered heartily. The hero fondled the wand handle, a strange smile on his face. “But first,” he said, “a few slides.”

From Out the Belly of the Wolf

2011-10-29T00:13:00.000-04:00

"We must consider," the wolf's counsel told the jury, "Ms. Hood's prior conduct. A bright red cloak is an... eye-catching ensemble. And entering the woods, knowing wolves lurked there? Incautious, to say the least. She claims that tempting basked of 'goodies' was for her grandmother, an old woman in acknowledged poor health. Hearing all this, I asked myself, 'Is this truly a victim? Or a "party girl"?'"

At the prosecution's table, the woodsman leaned over to Red. "I could go get my axe again..."

Red felt the eyes of the jury on her. "I don't think it can help anymore."

What's in a Name?

2011-10-29T00:11:00.000-04:00

The Young Master was heading out into the world to do his great deeds. The household gathered to confer their gifts upon him.

"These seeds will grow strong and healthy plants for you, wherever you settle," said Mr. Green.

"I have forged this dagger, so that you may never be unarmed," said Mr. Smith.

"This woven bags will hold everything you will ever need, and more," said Mrs. Webb.

Mr. Cox cleared his throat. "I have-" He paused as the others snickered and blushed. "Oh, for pity's sake!" he snapped. "It's a chicken. A chicken! You people are utterly childish!"

Bowels

2011-10-27T23:46:00.000-04:00

The house was unpleasantly warm and damp, like a greenhouse or a sauna. It reeked, too, even outside of the basement. We conducted the investigation as thoroughly as we could, under the circumstances.

"Jeez, how long have these been here?" The bones were barely covered with a slimy, soupy mess. You couldn't even tell they were bodies.

"According to their neighbors, they were seen out and about two days ago."

"But these... I mean, they've been rotting for weeks, at least."

"Or..." I hesitated. "Or digesting for about twelve hours."

The house groaned, then. I refuse to say it belched.

The Last God

2011-10-27T10:15:00.002-04:00

Who shall sing your praises, O Lord, with pipe and horn and tambourine, to dance in joy throughout the night?

Not you, O Faithful Revelers.

Who shall build your temples, O Lord, with towers and arches, glass and gold, reflecting your light unto Heaven?

Never you, O Restful Workers.

Who shall give the laws, O Lord, with wisdom and grace, counsel and guidance, that all may know your ways, delighting to follow them?

Anyone but I, O Obedient Children.

How then shall we serve you best, Lord of Procrastination?

You shall do all of these things, and more, Beloved.

Tomorrow.

The Risks We Never Contemplate

2011-10-26T00:22:00.002-04:00

"I can never feel wholly relaxed on your planet," the Ambassador remarked. The plastic tank containing his crystal matrix sloshed as he walked beside us on six robotic legs.

"If you're referring to the recent unrest, sir, I assure you-"

"No, no, you misunderstand." The Ambassador flashed an embarrassed turquoise. "I have every faith in your security forces. It's just... these oxygen worlds. Back home, we keep oxygen safely sequestered, deep underground. Toxic stuff. Hazardous. But here, it's a staple of life. It's astounding to us." He paused thoughtfully. "Everything is burning, all the time, and you never even notice."

And Cover Your Mouth When You Yawn

2011-10-26T00:17:00.002-04:00

Used to be, when you sneezed, they blessed you. Sneezing meant your soul had fled the body, leaving it vulnerable to demons. Then germ theory came and everyone forgot.

I watched for years as the sickness increased. Not physical illness, but a spiritual plague, the demons multiplying with every pernicious bout of hayfever.

I came up with a solution.

Do you remember the first of Christ's miracles? That's right: water to wine. Win is holy. Alcohol purifies.

Here, have a bottle. My invention. Our salvation. Anoint your hands after sneezing. Listen for the screams of the damned.

Gesundheit. God bless.

Nosferatechnology

2011-10-23T10:08:00.000-04:00

"We're very excited about the new photovoltaics," said Dr. Stoukre. "The latest materials to come out of the lab have some amazing properties, particularly with regard to light sensitivity. They practically scream energy when you expose them to sunlight."

"Not any other light, though," Newson put in. "Just sunlight."

"Oh?" Dr. Brenner blinked. "That's unusual."

"We suspect it's something to do with the... origin. We've had to stake three of them trying to work out the kinks."

"Luckily," said Newson, "there's always more idiotic grad students willing to sign the waiver. Three days later, we're restocked. Thank goodness for 'Twilight.'"

Burning Sensation

2011-10-23T10:00:00.000-04:00

"Ye gods!" Rythia leapt nimbly back, drawing her useless blade.

All around them, tiny holes in the ground spilled out thousands of tiny lights, like stars brought to earth. They crept in meandering lines toward the small rise where Rythia and Loachim had made their camp, leaving blazing trails behind them.

"What is this?" Loachim snorted, tusks gnashing. He grasped their diminutive native guide on the shoulder. "Speak!"

"Just know," Rythia interjected, swatting experimentally at the ground with her rapier, "if you say 'fire ants,' then so help me gods, I will gut you where you stand and feel nothing."

Pay for Things You Can Get for Free!

2011-10-20T10:00:00.000-04:00

We have our 100th follower! Huzzah and acclamations!

To celebrate, I am hereby announcing that I intend to put out a Kindle version of the Best of Mirrorshards. Because I want to try out the whole Kindle book thing, mostly, and I'd feel ridiculous charging people for my stories sight unseen. This way, if people don't want to pay, they can just come here and read it for free to spite me. I'll be culling the archives (all 950 or so) and pulling out the best 100 stories to put into the book version, which will sell for 99 cents 'cause that's what all the cool kids are doing. (Buy 99 stories at one cent each, get the 100th FREE!)

But! My loyal fans! My beloved largely silent audience! I want you to have your own voice in this, too. Comment here with a link to your favorite one or two flitterfics and SHAPE THE VERY DESTINY of a tiny vanity project.

THE POWER IS YOURS.

Satisfaction - and No More - Guaranteed

2011-10-20T09:01:00.000-04:00

The waiter wasn't particularly attractive, but he wasn't ugly, either. He smiled just enough to keep short of rudeness. "Welcome to Mediocrity, the Middle-of-the-Road Restaurant! We guarantee you'll be neither upset nor overjoyed at what you receive. What can we get for you today?"

"What comes on the Leveled Playing Field?" Herbert pointed at the menu.

"It's a casserole. Noodles and meat and so on. Guaranteed palatable and nourishing."

"Sounds good!" said Herbert. "I like it with just a bit of salt. That'll be perfect."

The waiter's smile faded. His eyes narrowed. He reached down and slid the saltshaker firmly away.

A Temporary Solution

2011-10-20T08:52:00.000-04:00

The last glimmer of sunset showed them their doom. The main horde had finally caught up, and the ancient mansion wouldn't last an hour against a determined zombie assault.

"Please," Trey said, holding out the shotgun, "I want a clean death."

"Wait!" Gertie pointed out the window.

In the twilight, a shadowy figure darted with blinding speed among the zombies. Heads exploded, limbs fell off, and in an impossibly short time, the undead assault was blunted.

"Thank you!" Gertie called to their rescuer.

He turned. "You may thank me properly. Later." He smiled, bone-pale, his fangs flashing in the darkness.

Lessons From My Youth

2011-10-19T04:51:00.002-04:00

The sword plunged in, sliding through the unarmored flesh like a hot knife through butter. The youth leapt back with a shout of victory.

A vast, clawed hand closed around his waist. "You know," said the monster, as the youth struggled, "there's a reason that spot doesn't get covered with armor. The reason is a secret. You want to know it?"

The youth gasped, turning red, then purple.

"It's because that spot isn't vital at all." The monster popped the youth into his mouth and chewed. "God, I love the video game generation," he said to no one in particular.

Toadstone

2011-10-19T04:45:00.002-04:00

We pulled up to the tollbooth and I glanced at the passenger seat.

"What are you looking at me for?" the toad grumbled.

"I dunno," I said. "In the stories, whenever there's an obstacle, the magical animal says stuff like, 'Do exactly what I say and don't ask questions. Strike me dead and cut open my belly,' and then the hero finds a jewel or something in there and is able to pay the ferryman or buy a new horse or whatever."

The toad goggled. "Fuck that noise," it said. "Here, help me look on the floor for loose change."

Better Wells and Castles

2011-10-16T02:42:00.000-04:00

"Unfortunately," said the guide, "this is as far as we can go."

"Afraid to have witnesses?" That was the snotty college kid. He'd spent the tour asking pointed questions and generally ruining it for those of us who came for family entertainment.

The guide smiled and shook her head, her tiara jingling. "Our processes are completely transparent, but some of the production work is hazardous. for example, you may be familiar with our line of blizzard-inducing pillows?"

A gust of frigid air brought the sound of angry honking from the distance.

"Those feathers have to come from somewhere; it's molting season."

Eternally Vigilant

2011-10-16T02:39:00.000-04:00

We all watched the tiny figure cling to the overhead light fixture. It was black as tar except for the jewels on its mask. "So it doesn't try to attack you or anything?"

"No. It just... stares." Chet had lost a lot of weight. His hair stuck out at odd angles, as if he'd been tying it in knots.

"That's not so bad, then. Small price for violating that ancient burial ground, right?"

"I want to die," Chet said.

Reggie shrugged. "So do it."

"I tried!" Chet glanced over his shoulder and shuddered. "I think it called the paramedics."

Mind Games

2011-10-14T23:50:00.000-04:00

"Wait here." She stood up from the leather couch in a single, sinuous motion. Abel watched the shot appreciatively as she sashayed to the wet bar. Glass and ice clinked, and various liquids sloshed.

"One of these," she said, holding up the two glasses, "is poisoned. Choose."

Abel smiled and pointed. She handed it over. "You're dangerous, eh? I like it." He took a sip, and his lips went numb.

"You chose wrong." Her smiled widened to a grin.

He coughed and tried to speak.

"Where would the fun be," she whispered in his ear, "if it weren't real sometimes?"

His Request

2011-10-13T21:32:00.000-04:00

The bulldog walked into the living room where we were all sipping our postprandial coffee, tea, or "just water, thanks." I scratched his ears. No one else paid attention. Not that the conversation was interesting, mind you, but there's a certain level of self-absorption mandatory on these occasions.

The dog rolled his eyes up at me. "Haaaa... haaaa..." His breath was hot on my leg. "Heeeehhhpp..."

I shot him a glance. Had the dog just...?

"Heeehhp... mmmeeee..."

I looked around. Everyone was laughing about someone's quip. I forced a smile.

Eventually, the warm presence by my knee disappeared again.

Tit for Tat

2011-10-11T04:38:00.000-04:00

Look, lady, no hard feelings or nothing. We didn't particularly want to knock over your apartment, you understand. We're freelance.

I wouldn't call us construction workers, no. We're sort of in the construction business, but more the other end of it.

"Wreck" is a little harsh. "Deconstruction," maybe. Yeah, we're freelance deconstructionists, and somebody wanted that building down.

Naw, I don't know who. Someone back at the home office could probably tell you. I'll put you in touch.

Sure, names and addresses. Public info, per the user agreement.

You'd be surprised. We get most of our business that way, actually.

Brick by Brick, Stone by Stone

2011-10-11T04:35:00.002-04:00

Traffic was backing up. The rows of headlights already disappeared beyond the horizon. The workers themselves were barely visible, outlines in reflective tape.

Erich leaned out the window. "How long is this going to take, anyway?" he called out. "You've got both lanes closed off."

"Look," said the nearest worker. "We feel for you, we really do. You almost made it in. But the wall's going up; that's all there is to it."

He shook his head and returned to work, placing the heavy cinder-blocks in a neat row across the highway. Others came behind him, and the wall grew.

Where the Tubes End

2011-10-06T23:54:00.000-04:00

The soda fountain sputtered and coughed a half-hearted stream into my cup. "Out of syrup?" I asked the attendant.

She frowned. "It's sick again." She turned over her shoulder and called, "Hey, Louie! Get the cattle prod and the tranquilizers!"

I chuckled dutifully - she was kind of cute, under the paper hat - but she didn't even crack a smile. Behind her, a grim-faced man donned a leather coat and pushed open a door marked "Employees Only." From the darkness beyond, I heard the rustle of scales and the wheeze of labored breath.

"I'll just take a bottled water," I said.

Going to Be the Very Best

2011-10-06T23:44:00.000-04:00

As I sometimes do, I find myself with a story too far over 100 words to be worth anything once I've chopped it down. So here is a nice long story (200 words) for "today," as I scramble to catch up with my failures during my recent travels.

---

The knockout gas is effective. One might even say super-effective. The guards go down without a sound, and I slip inside. I ache all over; my muscles strain to drag my weakened bones along; I can breathe only with mechanical assistance; I ooze more fluids in more colors than I'd ever thought possible. But I cannot stop now, not when I am so close.

My zoological quest began when I was still very young and full of yearning. I gathered up animals, plants, and everything in between. I collected mammals, reptiles, birds, and fish; fungus and mold, insects of every description; even supposedly mythological beasts, ghosts and legends. I developed the technology to resurrect vanished species, the long-gone saurians and primitive amphibians. They all rest in stasis on my remote island compound, a veritable army of creatures at my command. Data on their forms and habits is retrievable from my handheld computer. But it wasn't enough. It can never be enough.

I reach the inner sanctum, and there I find my goal. A glass vial: smallpox. The last known supply, extinct everywhere but here.

I smash it.

I breathe in, and smile.

At last, at last, I've caught them all.

Standardized Tests

2011-10-05T19:53:00.002-04:00

He tried to ignore the rumble as another section of floor dropped away into the abyss. The space around his desk was riddled with black holes, and the hungry wind that blew from beneath clawed at his ankles. He tried to focus on the task in front of him. The words swam in his vision, and sweat rolled down his forehead to make dark spots on the cheap paper.

Spandrel : Architecture :: Hiccups : ?

He nearly bit his pencil in half. This wasn't his field. Why? he thought bleakly, why hadn't anyone thought to train him for this?

His Only True Friend

2011-10-05T19:33:00.002-04:00

He is famous now. More than famous, really. He's done miracles. He's healed the sick, revived the dead, or at least been present during extreme medical events, depending on your faith in modern media's reliability. Some people say he's divine. There are arguments about this, of course.

But without me, he's nothing.

Oh, he wouldn't know me. I'm not name-dropping. He'd save us all if he could, but he's already losing momentum, already heading into the media abyss in favor of the next banal piece of celebrity gossip. Without me, he'll fade away.

Without me, he'll never be a martyr.

Not What He Expected

2011-09-30T06:30:00.001-04:00

"Well, it's magic," said Archmage Trefortius. He scooped up a bucket of ice cubes and watched them turn instantly to water. He poured it out; the renewed cubes clattered as they rejoined their brethren. "Only the lake is affected, and only at certain unpredictable times. There's no rational scientific explanation for this; it's supernatural and unrepeatable."

Apprentice Fitz took a few experimental steps onto the surface, then wobbled hastily back. "Cold. The locals use it to chill beer. The fish thaw out fine afterward, too."

"Magic," Trefortius said again. He sighed and shook his head. "We found it at last."

Prehistoric

2011-09-30T06:29:00.000-04:00

An Apatosaurus had gotten clothes-lined by an unexpected traffic light. Police on fast-moving Ornithomimus arrived to restore order after a poorly trained Allosaurus took a bite out of the unfortunate herbivore. Jake scooted around the carnage in his tiny economy vehicle, whose gill structures were pulsing with agitation at the bloodscent. "Only a little longer on lungs, buddy," Jake said, patting his vehicle reassuringly.

"Hey," a hairy guy leaning out the cab of an Ultrasaurus called to Jake. "Is that one of them new hybrids?"

"Well, technically it's an old hybrid..." said Jake. "More efficient than those brand-new mammals, though."

True Believer

2011-09-30T06:25:00.001-04:00

"Jesus is the son of God, and no one is saved except through Him."

"Yes, I believe that."

"Allah is the only god, and Mohammad is His prophet."

"I believe that, too."

"...act now, or miss out on the best deals of the summer!"

"I believe it!"

"You can't believe all of this. It's contradictory."

"And yet I do. I believe it all. Humans are so limited, so single-minded. We believe with full knowledge of the contradictions, for to us, believing only one thing would be likewise contradictory."

"This is ridiculous. I'd never do something so stupid."

"I believe you."

Pet Stains

2011-09-27T10:33:00.001-04:00

The cat crawled in on his belly, making sounds like, "hoork, hooork," and wheezing worse than our fifteen-year-old vacuum.

"Gotta do that here, you bastard?" I asked.

The cat's ears flattened, and he rolled one baleful eye at me. "Hraaaack!" he said. "Glortch." He barfed up a wet trickle of brown-orange gunk. Something silvery glinted in the puddle. I leaned over.

It was a little disc with a clear bubble in the middle. Inside, a tiny, green-skinned man pounded on the glass, staring at me with terrified eyes.

Then the dog swooped in and ate it.

Just as well, really.

Indentured

2011-09-24T02:34:00.002-04:00

The white room was full of long, low tables, stretching as far as he could see. People hunched miserably over their work. A seat in front of him was empty.

"I don't understand," he quavered.

His neighbor glanced up. "Pair up the quarks - they snap together, see? - and fit them into the pattern. You're new, so you're working Hydrogen for now. Make sure you don't fuck up the protons."

"But..."

The man smiled tightly. "What, you thought you got all that matter and time and space for free? You used it when you lived; now you gotta pay it forward."

Teapot

2011-09-23T04:52:00.002-04:00

They already came and took him away. They blinked at the omnipresent placards. They gave wide berth to the taxidermically preserved mice in their tiny chainmail suits. They obeyed the sign on the attic door that read: "Lizards DO NOT TOUCH."

Inside, the teapot rests in the dust. It is blue, with a flower motif. The lid rattles.

plop

A small green lizard lies stunned on the floor.

plopplop

Two more. It is beginning to boil over.

Later, when they ask him, all he will do is shrug and say, "There are sillier ways for the world to have ended."

Red Spots on White Snow

2011-09-22T08:12:00.000-04:00

Your fire is bright, child of apes, and so here I sit, in the dark, in the trees. I let my eyes flash, so! But I do not appear. You may waste your bullets on my shadow if you wish.

Yes, I know of bullets, and all your monkey tricks.

Perhaps I am not always as I am now. Perhaps I have other shapes, when it suits me. Perhaps you dined with me yesterday, shared a pint, all unaware.

I know secrets common dogs do not. I know fire. I know lies.

I know patience.

Your fire burns low, ape.

A Lesson in the Importance of Specificity

2011-09-22T08:07:00.000-04:00

The demon gave us a tour while we waited for the Ambassador, fashionably late. "This," said the demon, gesturing to a rough sphere of pink flesh, "is a particular favorite. He wished that he would never die. Not to live eternally, mind, nor for stasis, but never, henceforth, to die. Thus it was simplicity itself to grant his desire."

The demon laid a clawed hand on the ball, dimpling its surface. "Every one of his cells is still here, and new ones come every day. I think eventually he will smother the universe. Yet even then, he will never die..."

Dawnlight Gleams on a Droplet of Poison

2011-09-22T03:42:00.000-04:00

The scorpions danced at the gates of Tuad'hi, as they danced every morning when the Tail rose with the sun. Black and shining, it hovered overhead, poised to strike at the city's heart.

"It is a matter of great curiosity among your people, Professor," said Lufhal, tugging at his sand-mask, "whether the tail is a creature or a part of the land, a foe or a friend. But we who live in its shadow know better than to ask."

Professor Clarke swallowed and told himself his dry throat was due to heat. The scorpions clacked their pincers and danced on.