Lost the Will to Live

The lamppost was tilted at a sharp angle.  Glass and plastic shards littered the asphalt.  Yellow police tape surrounded the wreckage.

“Found it like this, sir,” said Chapman.  “No sign of the occupant except for that.”  He pointed to the spreading red puddle. 

The detective knelt and dipped a finger in the lukewarm liquid.  “This isn’t blood, rook.”

“It isn’t?”

“Synthetic.  Tacky to the touch.  Hasn’t been changed in a long time.”  He stood and stared at the car.  “Rust spots.  Duct tape.  This car has been badly cared for.”

“No homicide, then?”

“No.”  The detective shook his head.  “Autocide.”

"Contest" Ended

Okay, so the promotion didn't really promote much, but thank you everyone who reads this blog anyway.  Since only two people entered and I have two spare copies, I declare everyone a winner!

Jim, "patthews," just shoot me an e-mail (thefearedavocado AT gmail) with your addresses and I will ship you your books directly.  I will even sign and dedicate them to the individual or abstract concept of your choice, if you want, with the caveat that my handwriting looks like that of a clumsy third-grader.  (I've never been much at manual dexterity, and given that I have written exclusively via computer for about a decade now, I'm not even in practice.)

Already Here, Already Watching

The duck was conspicuous.  For one thing, Hubert’s snorkel was clearly visible in the water beside it.  That it was construction-zone orange was just frosting.

“You know what?” I said, as Hubert sat in the shallows, dripping beneath his orange duck hat.  “I don’t even want to know.”

“It’s a camera,” he said.  “To watch when they come.”

“If they do, they’ll just catch you.  That thing is an eyesore.”

“It’s hunting season,” Hubert sniffed.  “Besides, aliens are colorblind.”

“Come home, Hubert.”  I tugged on his shoulder, and he rose reluctantly. 

Behind us, the ducks watched with dark, silent eyes.

Social Things

Jen opened her closet and froze.  “What is all this?”  She plucked at a random pair of jeans from the waist-high mound on the floor.  “I think I’d remember being able to afford these.”

“I swapped them.”  The cat leaped to the dresser.  “Remember you said Vivianne was the most popular girl in school?”

Jen didn’t answer, slumping slowly to the floor.

“Well,” the cat went on, “now she’ll smell like you, and everyone will think you’re popular, too!”  She licked a paw and scrubbed her cheek in satisfaction.  “And you keep saying social things are too difficult for me.”

Lazy Sunday Afternoons in Hell

Me and Satan were walking down the street when one of them lost souls come up to us and wanted to hand.  I checked the sky, but weren't no angels around, so I shrugged and asked Satan if it was okay and he shrugged and asked me if it was okay and we shrugged at the lost soul.

"Hey, how's life?" I asked.

"It hurts."

"Did you catch the game last night?" Satan asked.

"It hurts."

I kind of smiled a little because, you know, those lost souls, man.  "What are your thoughts on the pulling-off of Band-Aids?"

The soul looked right at me and its eyes were dark and deep like a hole and I fell in and I would fall forever and I knew there were spikes at the bottom just waiting all blood and rust.  I looked away.

"It hurts," the soul said.

And it does.

Unlocking the Beast Within: A Support Group for Special People

“I know it’s could be worse.”  Dutch scratched behind his ears, which flapped.  “But were-Dalmatian is so... specific.  Anonymity?  Ha!”

“I’d take Dalmatian over mosquito,” Bert whined.

“At least no one makes silver flyswatters,” Vern said comfortingly.  Vern was a were-raven, which was almost traditional. 

“Still hurts,” Bert muttered.

Vern turned to a rotund figure, who was staring at the cookie on his plate with the saddest expression anyone had ever seen.  “How about you, friend?  Care to introduce yourself?”

“Panda,” he said.

There was a pause.  “They only eat bamboo, don’t they?”

“Yes.”  The man stared at his cookie.

---

Don't neglect the giveaway! I'll select the prizewinner on Friday, and so far there's only one entrant...

Stacks

The library was quiet.  Hushed.  Stifling.  The air was corralled behind concrete walls and pressed under the weight of years until it seemed to have the consistency of porridge.  Merely opening the door sent dust sweeping away in great gray clouds. 

On the shelves, the books slumbered, half of them grown so fragile that only the unbroken stillness let them retain their shape.  They slumped into piles of rot as as passed.

The librarian gripped my arm – not even those of her order would dare to speak here – and pointed down.

Footsteps in the dust.

Leading back outside. 

Only outside.

---

Don't forget the UFO giveaway!  And bonus news: the original UFO will soon be available at Barnes and Noble!  Only a hundred copies or so total, but still, that's pretty huge for a small press.  Shvartsman is some sort of minor deity of marketing.

Kickstarter for UFO 2 is still going on...

UFO 2 Kickstarter

Hey, guys!  The Unidentified Funny Objects anthology series is semi-officially now a series.  UFO 2 has a Kickstarter going, and it's running low on steam.  Head on over and check it out (and don't forget about the original anthology, too, which contains my story "The Alchemist's Children" among many more exciting attractions.)  It's a lovely book with great stories and very, very high production values.  I endorse it on just about every level.

To help generate some interest, I am hereby offering up one of my contributor's copies of the original for free.  Post a joke in the comments thread here to enter (or just post if you don't know any good jokes, but seriously, this is the Internet; you have all the jokes in the world at your fingertips somewhere).  I'll do a random drawing in a week and send that person a copy of the first Unidentified Funny Objects.

If you contribute anything to the Kickstarter for UFO2, even just a dollar, then I'll enter your name *twice* in the drawing.  INCENTIVES!

:-D